lundi 7 novembre 2022

How do you sleep?

I feel that I have to find a meaning about life. It's been a very tough year so far for me. Life hurting me not directly, but by the sides. 

I need to create a philosophy that will keep me sane and avoid me to fall into depression. I've never thought that much about suicide because I think that it arranges nothing and leaves a big black cloud behind and probably generates cancer to people exposed to it. Your death is not a tragedy for yourself but it is for people around you. Also, there's probably a couple nice chapters left in my book even if I sometimes feel that the story will only be darker and harder as time goes by. 

I've always been worried a bit about the future but now, I'm very worried and I feel alone. Part of that feeling comes from my disdain of most people and from the fact that there are some specific and rare people I would like to be surrounded by. Who are these people? I don't know because there's very little people that I've really liked in my life. I also miss very few people that I've lost touch with over the years. 

It's like dead-end. You are what you are and you can't be different than that. It satisfies you most of the time but makes you very unsatisfied once in a while. 

I wake up most nights at 2 or 3 AM and can't sleep. Is it my worries? Is it my age that comes with perturbations of sleeping? Is it the feeling that I'm in a big hole? I don't know. 

I have to do something. I don't know what. I can't save my kids from all their problems but I have to stay sane and think a little bit more about myself. 

The answer must come from myself. Nobody can help me because nobody knows how I feel and nobody could probably give me the advice I'm looking for. 

3 commentaires:

  1. You might want to try a Magnesium suppliment along with some B-complex vitamins...That has helped me with my sleep.

    We need to take better care of ourselves as we get older.

    I would recommend you read 'Your Faith is your Fortune' by Neville Goddard (you can read it for free on the net via a pdf file...you sound like you are in a dark place but you don't have to be...

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  2. I hope you will be able to recharge your batteries in your trip in Mexico. I cannot really give advice since I have also been struggling to find meaning, purpose, and happiness in my own life. It is important to remember when we feel all alone, lost, and that the life is unfair to us that there are millions of people just like us who are struggling both right now as well as in the past. We just don't hear about them. Somewhat sarcastically, we are not that special even in our darkest moments of loneliness and personal suffering. Not sure if one should be even more sad about that or happy that we are just like many others.

    Part of maturing is to learn how to deal with loss, failure, and betrayal. I had several traumatic events in my life when I broke down, felt completely paralyzed by hopelessness, felt betrayed by those closest to me and by the society in general, and my whole concept of how the world worked, what is the social contract, and what is my identity collapsed. Even now, I still feel lost in the world and what happens around me no longer "clicks" in place. I am not sure I will ever feel the clarity and certainty I felt when I was a naive child.

    It is probably best to not dwell too much on existential dread. Being busy and physically tired helps me not to think too many bad things. If we pick a challenge and focus our lives on overcoming it, we can more easily see tangible results of our work, feel being useful, and improve our own life one step at a time. Exercise, physical chores, or an active hobby can benefit both our body as well as our mind.

    Nothing ultimately matters. Happiness, love, all of our memories etc are just transient chemical illusions of a preprogrammed automaton randomly assembled by trial and error to speed up the ultimate chaos in the universe. We will all die, we will be forgotten, our relatives will all die, humans will go extinct, all life will go extinct, our planet will be destroyed by expanding sun, the sun will burn out, our galaxy will collide with another galaxy, and even the universe will eventually disintegrate into maximum entropy in its heat death. But we have an incredibly rare opportunity to be alive in this moment. Since the first molecule of life in some proto-bacterium, all of us are the best that there was... an ultimate success story of trillions of generations of an unbroken, continuous chain of creatures that managed against all odds to somehow survive, always find something to eat, not be eaten, not be killed by asteroids and volcanoes and toxic cosmic radiation or some deadly disease or accident, successfully find a partner and reproduce, for billions of years with no mix-ups in between... We are incredibly lucky to be alive and should try to make the most of it. We just get one shot at it so we should not just throw it away. Even if some people might not believe in free will, why not see the story for as long as possible...

    Have a wonderful holiday and hope you feel better.

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  3. There's no quick fix. We're humans living in an environment which we were never designed for. Happiness or whatever you call it has eluded me for most of my life. Most who claim to be happy are either lying to themselves or are unaware of how close they are to their life going to shits. Maybe there's nothing wrong with lying to ourselves. Gratitude helps. It's like stocks: $200 Meta doesn't seem so bad now. I think what we're all looking for is not happiness but peace.

    "The most important decision you make is to be in a good mood."
    -Voltaire

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