A part of the cure

I'm going to explore another country this week. I'm going to Mexico. 

I'm not sure that it's the kind of country that appeals to me, but I'll give it a try. At least, it's gonna be much warmer there than in Quebec and I'll be able to practice a bit of spanish. 

Another thing: I may get kidnapped there or I might be victim of police corruption or something like that. It doesn't excite me, but I think that you have to be exposed to threats or difficulties once in a while to consider your own problems in a different way. 

For instance, if you live a crisis with one of your kids, go to Iran with them. Live a dangerous experience: survival mode will help you to get closer. As ridiculous as it may seem to some people, I think that it would be a good cure to some problems. 

Also, dying while living an experience is probably the best death. I'd rather die at 43 while traveling than living up to 80 and only watching TV. 

 

How do you sleep?

I feel that I have to find a meaning about life. It's been a very tough year so far for me. Life hurting me not directly, but by the sides. 

I need to create a philosophy that will keep me sane and avoid me to fall into depression. I've never thought that much about suicide because I think that it arranges nothing and leaves a big black cloud behind and probably generates cancer to people exposed to it. Your death is not a tragedy for yourself but it is for people around you. Also, there's probably a couple nice chapters left in my book even if I sometimes feel that the story will only be darker and harder as time goes by. 

I've always been worried a bit about the future but now, I'm very worried and I feel alone. Part of that feeling comes from my disdain of most people and from the fact that there are some specific and rare people I would like to be surrounded by. Who are these people? I don't know because there's very little people that I've really liked in my life. I also miss very few people that I've lost touch with over the years. 

It's like dead-end. You are what you are and you can't be different than that. It satisfies you most of the time but makes you very unsatisfied once in a while. 

I wake up most nights at 2 or 3 AM and can't sleep. Is it my worries? Is it my age that comes with perturbations of sleeping? Is it the feeling that I'm in a big hole? I don't know. 

I have to do something. I don't know what. I can't save my kids from all their problems but I have to stay sane and think a little bit more about myself. 

The answer must come from myself. Nobody can help me because nobody knows how I feel and nobody could probably give me the advice I'm looking for.