I feel that I have to find a meaning about life. It's been a very tough year so far for me. Life hurting me not directly, but by the sides.
I need to create a philosophy that will keep me sane and avoid me to fall into depression. I've never thought that much about suicide because I think that it arranges nothing and leaves a big black cloud behind and probably generates cancer to people exposed to it. Your death is not a tragedy for yourself but it is for people around you. Also, there's probably a couple nice chapters left in my book even if I sometimes feel that the story will only be darker and harder as time goes by.
I've always been worried a bit about the future but now, I'm very worried and I feel alone. Part of that feeling comes from my disdain of most people and from the fact that there are some specific and rare people I would like to be surrounded by. Who are these people? I don't know because there's very little people that I've really liked in my life. I also miss very few people that I've lost touch with over the years.
It's like dead-end. You are what you are and you can't be different than that. It satisfies you most of the time but makes you very unsatisfied once in a while.
I wake up most nights at 2 or 3 AM and can't sleep. Is it my worries? Is it my age that comes with perturbations of sleeping? Is it the feeling that I'm in a big hole? I don't know.
I have to do something. I don't know what. I can't save my kids from all their problems but I have to stay sane and think a little bit more about myself.
The answer must come from myself. Nobody can help me because nobody knows how I feel and nobody could probably give me the advice I'm looking for.