The 12 days of Christmas, part 12

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a Christmas eve with people that I loathe!

Loathe is maybe a little bit exaggerated, but I don't really like my cousins anymore. We're not 20 anymore, we are all 35-45 years old adults now and there's only Facebook that links some of us. And we bitch each other. At least, me, I bitch most of them and I wouldn't be surprised if they bitched me too.

I managed to be there until I'm 40 years old, but it may be my last year with them because they really suck. One of my cousin is a fucking big mouth since forever and I hate him since I'm 10 years old or so. I know that he despises me. One of his kids has the face that every teacher hopes not to have in in class in september. My aunts and uncles talk about crappy stuff that people talk about when they're 10 years from death or so.

Holy shit, it's gonna be so boring. How I wish I was alone in my couch for Christmas!

The 12 days of Christmas, part 11

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a golden ring for my sister!

I've never really understood how my sister sees her relations. She's been with a guy for a little less than one year now and I've met him only once and I spoke with him about one minute. I didn't feel something wrong, but nothing right either. However, I have to say that I've never really connected with her boyfriends of the last 15 years.

Well, today, on Facebook, she wrote that she got engaged with her new boyfriend. That's weird and I bet we'll learn some unknown and strange facts about him now that the situation is more official. Maybe like the last one who did cocaine with his douche-friends and cheated on her and that she dumped two months after they had a baby together.

But, whatever, it's her life and strange facts make life more animated. Let's go with some animation!

The 12 days of Christmas, part 10

I just watched the new Tom Hanks movie which is called « A beautiful day in the neighborhood ».

It’s a very good movie. Tom Hanks is great as always and It’s a rare movie about the importance of having empathy and consideration for others. Not the kind of movie I usually watch but it was good anyway.

The 12 days of Christmas, part 9

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a 12 strings to play some prog rock!

Oh yes, here I go again with another song on the guitar. Recorded yesterday, a few minutes after the last song, it was played for the first time in at least a year. Probably more.

It's not that good, once again, but at least, it's a 7/4 song. Which means that to keep the beat, you have to count to 7 contrary to most rock music in which you have to count to 4. Who gives a fuck you may respond?

Musicians give a fuck! Because we respect special songs. Like you would respect some cook who would cook a tasty pie with some broccoli. 

The 12 days of Christmas, part 8

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a 12 strings to play some music!

I've been a good musician in the past. I used to play a lot of guitar and bass. I've never been a virtuoso, but I could play better than the average musician. Sadly, the seriousness of life has held me away from my instruments and there came the great decline. 

I'm a very average singer, but I think I'm still better than an average guitarist.

Here's me in my decline, performing "Pinball Wizard" while my daughter needs some attention. For those who speak french, she says to me that she has a "gros gros caca".

The 12 days of Christmas, part 7

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a ticket to go to Chica!

Oh yes my friends, I'll soon be in Chicago! And I have a great joke about it: "Let's go to Chica!". Isn't it a great harmless joke? It's for all these people who say I'm gross with my references to cunts and dicks and heroin shoot up in the ass.

Do you live there? Do you want to eat an hot-dog with me between Christmas and New Year's eve? Please, leave a comment.

If you don't live there, fuck you!

The 12 days of Chritmas, part 6

On the sixth day of Chritmas, my true love gave to me, a book about war and killing!

Many years ago, I bought "The Art of War" by Sun Tzu. For those who don't know that book, it was written about 2500 years ago and it's mostly simple sentences about how to conduct war. It's an easy reading and it could serve you not only if you become a general but also in your daily life, such as with some personal or professional relations.

I believe that we should always keep in mind certain advices in this book. For the biggest part of our lives, it won't be useful, because I wouldn't recommend anybody to be hypocrite and dishonest. However, there's always a slight percentage of the population that deserve to be treated in the ways that the book teaches us. I let you determine who should be aimed.

Here's a few advices:

- To fool your enemy is the art of war;
- A war should be as quick as possible;
- The art of war is also to submit your enemy without any fight;
- Know your enemy and know yourself, you'll win much easily.

My favorite part of the book is the one where it says that, in these times, it was usual to exchange gifts before a fight (between two generals). A general sent piss instead of wine to the other general who was so furious that he lost his temper and sent his armies right away, without planning his attack. His army was crushed.

I still haven't found a way to apply this strategy, but I hope I will someday.

The 12 days of Christmas, part 5

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, what links me to Yusuf Islam!

I really think I'm a kind of modern Cat Stevens. At the end of the seventies, Cat Stevens gave up everything, changed his name, changed his religion and became Yusuf Islam. Very strange move, but showbusiness seems like a place where a lot of people lose their mind.

I don't plan to become muslim, but I have a lot of these moments where I'm tempted to let down everything and disappear. It happens mostly because of my job.

I've changed jobs many times. Because when I start to hate people around me, even if it's just one or two people, I can't stop hating them. My hate about them almost obsesses me. And I forget that I may like 5 or 10 people to compensate.

And then, I start to look elsewhere for another job. Because when you hate people, and more so when you hate your boss, you really should shut your mouth and discretely apply on other jobs. That's the only elegant way to act and the only way to avoid problems.

That's why I don't have a lot of old relationships related to work. I'm unable to stay at the same place for more than 3-4 years. After that, I usually hate it.

The 12 days of Christmas, part 4

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, an african boy to chat with!

I have to admit that I'm a troll. I really like to say or write weird things to people, just to get a reaction.

Some trolls are evil. I'm not. I'm just a funny troll.

And when I find some stupid people or some african guy trying to steal money by fooling people with the picture of a cute white girl who's poor and lonely but always well dressed, the troll in me emerges and here's how it looks. That conversation comes from my Instagram account:

Me: Hi baby
Her: Hi
Me: Are you single?
Her: Yes, without kids and you?
Me: No, I have a partner and 4 kids, but you are pretty
Her: You live alone or with a family?
Me: Alone, with my family
Her: OK, I see. I love kids

She sends me some pictures of a beautiful girl which is obviously not her. One of these pictures shows her with her grandmother (to be short, these are probably pictures taken from some beautiful girl open account on Facebook).

Me: Your grandmother is gorgeous, that's my kind of chick
Her: OK, but sadly, she's a widow now because she lost her husband
Me: She could come with you and we could rent a room for all the three of us

Here's a philosophical moment shared together:

Her: Tell me, what means love for you?
Me: Love is to do expensive things together like eating sushis and going up in a balloon. It's also listening to classical music while smoking cigarettes
Her: Yes, it's true

To get some money from me, she uses the good old way of telling me that she's a poor and lonely girl and she really needs money to eat or to help her poor grandma who's sick (and now that I've told her that her grandma is my kind of chick, she talks about her a lot):

Her: My close friend helps me and I've told her that I'll reimburse her as soon as possible. That's what I've tried to tell you from the beginning but I'm ashamed about it.
Me: I know what is shame. I have a lot of sexual diseases. It doesn't bother you to be with a man full of sexual diseases?
Her: It doesn't bother me. They say that when a girl is happy with a man, she makes him happy and helps him to be good with himself. You'll see, if we're together, you'll be completely changed.
Me: You're gonna heal me?
Her: It's my way to tell you that I'll never let you down.

Her story is full of bullshit. She tells me that her webcam doesn't work, that she lost her cell phone, that she wants 600 euros… When I tell her, that I'm close to her city in France and I could give her the money directly, she tells me that she's not available. I tell her that I've send 4000 euros to the police office of her city in France and I've send the picture of her and her grandma to the cops to help them to give the money to the right persons, she tells me that she can't go there with her grandma. I'm a bit tired about that bullshit:

Me: I just send 2000 euros to two other instagram girls. They are really cute and really old. Just like I like them.
(A few days later)
Her: How about the 2 girls to whom you send 2000 euros?
Me: They are with me right now. They are very different from how they looked on their picture but they are nice. I thought they were cute french girls, but actually, they are old african women. LOL, they had me!
Her: OK, but they are with you?
Me: Yes, we are currently watching a movie together. It's "Coming to America", a movie with Eddie Murphy. It's a movie about an African that fools people by convincing them he's someone else.

And it goes like that for the last 3 weeks. Probably that I'll get bored sooner or later, but I'm currently enjoying a lot that waste of time.

The 12 days of Christmas, Part 3 (Evolution of my friendships over the last years)

On the third day of christmas my true love gave to me, no friendship to spend the time with!

Life is a strange adventure. It's hard to connect with people and establish enough trust to become friends. Actually, it's hard to only find someone that really interests you. Yet, it's so easy to lose touch with a friend for no particular reason.

Here's an interesting graph that allows me to stop writing here.

The 12 days of Chrismas, part 2

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a red suit to get raped!

What did you do for Halloween?

I went to some party with a friend of mine. It was a party full of French people in Montreal. And my friend wanted to dress like the guy in Clockwork Orange with some of his friends. I asked myself how I could complete the line-up without having to buy some costume for 100$.

I thought about the movie and, obviously, the rape scene came to mind. I remembered I had a red suit which was perfect for the role of the girl who gets raped in the movie.

So, I dressed like that. And when people came to me during the night, asking how I was dressed, I told them: "I'm the girl who gets raped in Clockwork Orange".

Their reaction was either fascinated, either offended. But mostly fascinated.

The 12 days of Christmas, part 1

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, a blog post full of fluo pee!

I've been pretty quiet lately. Why?

Because my computer at home is dying. The other day, it took 2 days to start. I realized that it was time for an appropriate investment. Because when essential goods have reached their obsolescence point, it's not an expense to buy something new. It's an investment. 

So, to celebrate the arrival of my new Dell computer, bought during the black friday, I'll write 12 Christmas posts about other things than investment. You may find them stupid and useless, but come on: it's Christmas. Let's forget money and stock market for a few days. 

To initiate this sequence, I'll write a few words about my Crohn's disease. For a few months now, I've been taking pills at breakfast. These pills aren't very funny to digest because I often have a nausea which goes from slight to medium. In other words, I feel like a pregnant woman. My appetite is altered too. I now dislike things I liked before like milk chocolate, apple juice and yogurt. And I'm more tired than before. I feel like I have chemotherapy for something way less dangerous than a cancer. But I listened to "Schindler's List" last weekend. I guess some jews had a more difficult time than me back in the days of the glorious 3rd Reich. 

Anyway, the funny part is that my piss is now fluorescent at least once a day. Yeah. It's a beautiful fluo yellow. Get Crohn's like me, get a brand new piss colour!